Too often, we’re bombarded with unsolicited advice on our love lives. From self-proclaimed gurus preaching self-love, to Redditors with names such as lonelyboy1998 dispensing dubious advice that would make any therapist weep.

But what if you don’t want tips on finding love? What if instead you prefer to remain single without becoming insufferable, moving to a monastery, or developing an unhealthy attachment to your houseplants?

Fear not. This is not your run-of-the-mill self-help guide promising transformation through meditation and half marathons. Nor is it a Reddit thread written by someone whose last romantic encounter was in 2017. No. This is a field-tested guide on how to actually stay single.

Step 1

Buy a longish water bottle (those weird ones that you find in markets) and every night before bed pop the kettle on and snuggle up with it to emulate the body heat of another individual (ideally in a position where your arm almost immediately gets pins and needles).

Remain in that position until you think your hot water bottle has fallen asleep or at the very least wouldn’t be offended if you rolled over so you could properly drift off.

Step 2

Head to Slug & Lettuce for happy hour and order an Old Fashioned. It signals stability, maturity and a departure from your past antics which featured chaotic neon-coloured VKs. Photograph it for Instagram with the ceiling out of shot, leaving your loyal story viewers to ponder the probability of another person being there.

Step 3

At night, settle into bed for a little quality time with yourself. Unfortunately, your £50 investment in self-love appears to have other plans. Adjust it slightly. Nothing. Try another angle. Worse. At this point, you’re less in the mood for romance than conducting a product review.

After twenty minutes of what can only be described as a technical troubleshooting session, consider consulting the instruction manual. Unfortunately, it cannot account for the fact that you are both the customer and the customer service representative, and neither of you has any idea what you’re doing.

Eventually, give up and reach for your phone. Scroll through Instagram, stumble across a photograph of a happy couple, and feel a sudden urge to launch your expensive purchase out of the window. Resist. It cost £50, and in this economy, you can’t afford to make brazen financial decisions.

Remember, the evening isn’t necessarily about reaching a satisfying conclusion. It’s about learning to enjoy your own company, even when your idea of a romantic night in has turned into a customer-service nightmare. There’s always the hot water bottle. At least that knows how to hold you properly.

Step 4

Revisit messages you sent an ex-lover. Scroll until the text bubbles feel like archaeological evidence of an ancient civilisation you once inhabited. Re-read the paragraphs explaining your feelings and double-texts beginning, “Hey, I know you’re probably busy, but…” Appreciate the sheer unbridled audacity of believing someone might want to hear from you.

For maximum effect, revisit messages sent after they started pulling away. Relive the feeling of offering someone the chance to hurt you a second, third, fourth time as if you were run-ning some kind of loyalty scheme. Cringe at your own sincerity. Question your judgement. Consider throwing your phone into the Taff.

Step 5

Watch Wong Kar-wai’s In the Mood for Love alone, late at night, ideally in miserable weather. Fantasise that you’re in a Hong Kong apartment in 1962, doomed to pine for someone you can’t have. Savour the lingering glances, silk dresses and agony of two people standing three centimetres from happiness.

Convince yourself your love life is equally cinematic. Consider sending a message you really shouldn’t. Resist. You are not Maggie Cheung, your ex is not Tony Leung, and your life has no Nat King Cole soundtrack.

Step 6

Make a playlist titled ‘Songs for the Girl Who Doesn’t Need Anyone’. Feel like an enigmatic indie-film protagonist strolling through a foreign city with a cigarette and an unshakeable sense of self.

In reality, you’re trudging to Lidl for oat milk. Since when do you drink oat milk?

A love song comes on. Skip it. You have standards.

Step 7

Become insufferable about your independence. Brag about having the bed to yourself and doing whatever you want, whenever you want. Emphasise this especially loudly to someone in a relationship.

Step 8

Finally, learn to love yourself, or at the very least tolerate your own company without treating singledom like a waiting room. Retrieve your hot water bottle and settle in for another night of blissful solitude.