The word ‘no’ has haunted me throughout my teenage years. Pressure to fit in, when I clearly didn’t. Pressure to smoke and drink, to like boys, to party. Don’t get me wrong, I was never unfamiliar with the word – I was told it an awful lot. “No, I don’t want to hang out with you”, “no, you’re not invited to my party”. These painful memories of being shut out from the mainstream encouraged me to avoid using the term at all costs.
My childhood was that weird in between phase – one foot in the old, one in the new. Zoella, one of the most popular YouTubers from my childhood, adopted the phrase “just say yes” as her slogan. It was on everything – her merchandise was plastered in the three words as an attempt to make young girls gain the confidence to do the daring things they never would have dreamt of had their idol not encouraged them to. I always thought it was weird, even as a naïve adolescent. Why would I say yes to something that made me uneasy and anxious? Then the trends started popping up – ‘saying yes to everything for the day’ was a common video title plastered all over social media. Light-hearted? Oh yes, and edited to perfection. It was obvious, if the video wasn’t scripted, that saying yes to every single suggestion someone made in a day would cause much more trouble than wearing odd socks.
Although, the more I’ve grown, the more I’ve changed and realised I don’t have to abide by the “rules” social media plasters all over it’s pages. Decisions as small as cutting my hair short exposed me to ruthless bullying, and ultimately made me feel the need to conform to the standards of social media. During the first lockdown, when I was finally free from high school, I learned that it honestly did not matter how my decisions made others feel.
I suppose the Coronavirus pandemic taught us all a thing or two about what is and isn’t normal, didn’t it? The girls I saw out every single night suddenly were the ones trying to be me, the hermit that lays in bed all day, asleep until teatime, playing animal crossing until the birds began to sing. The “no” that I once familiarised with wanting to stay in was the same word that the government used to respond to our pleas for some sort of normality. I’ve stopped trying to like partying and alcohol, because I know that I am most comfortable when I’m myself. The people that truly matter and are worthy of any place in your life will get it, and they won’t care if you say no. I sit here now as the following: eighteen, mentally unwell, unmotivated, bisexual, and awfully straight edge. A girl, who has never gotten drunk or had a cigarette in her life (despite the relentless peer pressure).
I write this as my accommodation group chat plans a rave for the floor above. Me? I’ll be sat here, re-watching Grey’s Anatomy and not waking up with a gruelling hangover. So, no! Thank you for the offer, but I’ll have to reject it. I’m fine just the way I am. Disclaimer – this advice is written by a student. This is not professional advice*